This is Why

 I have struggled with depression every single day of my adult life. 

Honestly, probably my whole life, but I was diagnosed as an adult. 

I sought help for the first time near the end of my broken marriage, 

and dove a little deeper after a relationship with a man deserving of 

his own special class designation of A-hole. I went from fragile soul 

to broken soul. I am so grateful that my daughter, who was dealing with 

her own struggles at that time, introduced me to T0P exactly when I 

needed them. (Thanks Kirsten!) It's not something that is easy to explain. 

It's not something that other people can necessarily see. It's not 

something I really talk about. It's a personal thing, and it's something 

I am proud to triumph over every single day. I'm a fighter. I've got this. 

With help, of course, I've got this. 

This is a very personal struggle, and in no way have I ever sought to ask 

anything of those around me. I am a functioning, albeit broken person 

who has so much hope inside. This, though. This is part of the reason why. 

This band. This music. These words. They resonate with me, and with so 

many people who are struggling and who need to know they are not alone. 

This is why I go to every concert I can. (One more this tour!) This is why 

I run, work, chill, sleep and breathe this music. 

This is a huge part of where the hope comes from. 

From the bottom of my heart, Thank you Tyler & Josh.

Monkeys Rule

My kiddos went to stay at their dad's tonight, and yeah the house is quiet when they aren't here. I miss their company for sure when they're with their dad, BUT they are everywhere. I have flowers on my desk from Kirsten on Valentines, a drawing of Maiah's on my printer, Vernie has the laundry going and Elijah's latest snapchat made me smile. They are always with me in some form.

My monkeys are seriously the best.

Watsky & Witt Lowry @ the Complex SLC 11/9

When Griz and Kirsten decided I should go with them to the Watsky concert last week I initially said yes because I love live music, and tend to like some of the same stuff they do. I knew it'd be a fun night, but I didn't expect to fall in love with not one, but 2 artists. I'd seen a bit of Watsky's stuff on youtube, and thought it was cool that he could rap so fast. Kirsten has listened to Witt for a long time, so I recognized some of his stuff, but hadn't paid attention to his lyrics. He reminds me a bit of Tyler Joseph in that respect. He writes about things that matter. That will impress me every time. You put these 2 rappers in one room for a few hours, and amazing things happen. I loved this concert, and sharing the experience with 2 of my favorite people. :)

The 1st 2 videos are Witt. Two very different songs, but I love 'em both.

Watsky is known for how fast he raps, but coming from the slam poetry scene, he has some awesome ideas and things to say. And he raps really, really fast. lol

The hook from this one was stuck in my head last night at work and made me happy. :)

I'm somewhere in this video! We were at the front of the crowd at this point. We started maybe 5 rows back from the stage, and with every surge of the crowd forward we pushed close until we were right up front.

Snapchat video of Witt on stage. This was where we started. We ended up closer each time people pushed forward. Then 2 pics of Watsky from Griz' phone.

Today

Today was the most awesome sort of day. Brandon stayed at my place last night, on his way to Blizzcon with Spencer. So today, for one whole day I had my 2 oldest children to myself. We went into SLC and walked through City Creek Canyon, went to the mall & had lunch in my favorite spot that Salt Lake has to offer. On our way back to Orem we hit Ikea, then ended our day at the gym. It was a beautiful day & this momma had a blast. My oldest monkeys are complete goofballs and I love 'em to pieces.

Snapchat Fun

My monkeys and I send eachother snapchats to say hi, when we're bored and instead of texting. When my last phone died I saved the images from my card. I had a blast looking through the random stuff we send.

twenty one pilots cover Cancer by MCR

Beautiful Sunday

My monkeys, Once Upon a Time, twenty one pilots, Elvanar and Dominos Pizza. Today has been a beautiful Sunday.

I used to blog.

It's been awhile, but I used to blog.

...when my kiddos were smaller.
...when I was married.
...when I was a stay at home mom.
...when I had less control and responsibility and a lot more time on my hands.

Now I balance work, kiddos and sleep.  I make time to spend with friends, and go on vacation. I make time for facebook, instagram and twitter. I spend a minute most days and check in, but I don't write like I did here. I check on my loved ones and far away friends, but I stopped sharing. I feel like it's time to do this again. For me. For my monkeys. Just because.

Yeah. I like that plan.

2014

2014 is going to be an awesome year! I plan to work hard, enjoy my time with my monkeys, visit Jason as much as I possibly can and work some more. I don't have any races planned yet but I do plan to run. And I plan to figure out how to relax more and stress less. I love my job, my monkeys and my J. I'm so blessed, because most days I love my life.
Happy 2014!

Weekends

     I really do love my monkey-filled weekends. We're all listening to music chillin' in my room, waiting for Kirsten to be done with her tech stuff at school so we can go for a walk in the rain. We straightened up together, the littlest monkeys have been working on their Christmas lists & Vernie and I are keeping the laundry moving.
     I love when they're here for my 4 days. It's relaxing, it's comfy, it's the way our lives should be.

So yeah

I didn't get better at blogging this year like I'd hoped. I may have actually posted less this year that I did last year. :p Life has gone on. It's been a harder one for sure, but yeah, still breathing! It's not like I have nothing to say. More like I don't know where to start. Sadly, I don't feel awesome at the moment, so I might have to come back with a plan or idea. Right now I think I'm going to go cuddle with some monkeys, close my eyes and dream of my J. :D

she lives

Hola blogger friends!
I'm just checking in! I know, I know - it's been awhile. There are so many good things on the horizon though that I think I just may start finding time to sit at my desk and share a little more. Between upcoming vacations (of epic proportions!), cool and exciting changes at work and training for the Other Half Marathon (13.1 miles eek!) I may just find myself with things to say that are worth sharing. Plus my first grandbaby (Brandon & Christy are excited!) is due in October and Kirsten is turning 16. Fun stuff! :)

Brandon & Christy

I have decided to post pics from Brandon's wedding in Montana here instead of on facebook for the most part. I don't love that everything you post on facebook becomes their property. My pictures are mine. I also don't love when people steal images (yes that's right, when you right-click on a picture someone else took and copy it you are stealing. It's not nice.) I'd say yes if people asked, I just prefer that they do. Brandon and Christy, you of course can copy anything you want, and Robin, I have an understanding with you too. ;) lol

It was an awesome weekend, I loved being able to see my oldest monkey so happy and enjoyed every minute I spent with them. I love 'em to pieces, and wish 'em the absolute best.

And there are lots more pics, including more shots of all the family who came and the drive through yellowstone. I just wanted to get a few up here for them before I head to work.

...and the pics are bigger than the blog, but I don't have time to fix it. Oh well. :p

baby it's cold outside

I'm past ready for this winter to be officially over. It's been so cold here it's made the walk to work every night something I seriously dread. On the upside, when it's as bad as it was today it gives Maiah and I the excuse to hide under the covers and watch a million episodes of Blues Clues. I'm all for hibernation!

2012

Whoa, all of my posts for 2012 fit on the front page of my blog- there were like 6 of them. o.O
I'm so sorry that I spent the year in quiet mode. That's how I deal when things get rough, and it was that kind of year. The divorce is now final, and while it's sad I really do feel like it was the healthiest thing I could do for myself & my family. It hasn't been easy, but it will be a good thing. I've learned how to let go of all kinds of hurt. People who'd been unkind, ungracious, mean or ungrateful toward me have received absolutely none of my energy. I'm trying really hard to focus on the things that matter, and surround myself with people who care. I don't have a lot of real friends, but the ones I have are precious. I'm hoping to write more this coming year, and to pick my camera back up. This is still my favorite place to share. It's mine, and I like it that way. :)

Happy New Year!

Trying

...to wake Kirsten up to go running
...to get into some sort of sleep schedule that works so I can function enough for my kiddos and still work enough hours. And have a little me time. I miss being able to play more. I seriously miss my friends.
...to reassure Maiah that when I leave the house it's not for forever. She has such a hard time when I leave for work every night. She's so sweet, and I'm really worried about her in the upcoming months - well really for the rest of her life. I don't want the divorce to cause her issues (truthfully, probably already has) and am really trying to find ways to reassure her and show her how important she is (all my monkeys are) to me as the changes start happening. I'm grateful that Vern & I get along well enough to have taken things slowly, but it's time for some of the big changes, and for the reality of how things are going to be to set in. Crossing my fingers and praying something fierce for the sake of my monkeys.
...to show all of the important people in my life what they mean to me. When stuff gets hard I go into this internal mode. I just deal, you know? Really don't want to shut people who matter out of my life just because I'm having a moment.
...to wake Kirsten up! Been trying since just after 5. C'mon girl! It's only gonna get hotter the later it gets.
...to save. To move. To save for the move. Yeah.
...to get to where I can run for as long as I used to before having to walk a minute. It's frustrating to lose something like that. December 1st will come fast enough, so I must keep running. And Lauren, hope you've started! lol :)
...to feel strong. And find my confidence. And find some pudding. Yeah, pudding.
...Okay, I need to go do something to get that girl moving. We could be halfway done with our miles by now.

July 4th

...there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA!!!

I just got home from work, had me some quick breakfast and am about ready to get a nap in before today's festivities, but wanted to check in quick and wish all of my American friends a happy Fourth of July! Be proud, be safe & have fun!

/squishes

It's not a secret.

It's just private, and concerns people who matter, and so it's not up for public discussion. 


Yes, Vern & I are getting divorced. Yep, I am the one filing. It's not something new - it's been in the works for more than 2 years, and it isn't a changeable thing. It just is what it is, and it's ours. It isn't easy, fun or something to be gossiped about. I won't be blogging about it or sharing any sort of private details with the general public in any manner. BUT it isn't a secret. It's a fact & I don't like feeling like it is being tiptoed around. It's okay to know. 


So there. :)

I used to blog...

And I will again! I hadn't meant to take a break like that, but sometimes actual life gets in the way of things whether you like it or not. I never did stop blogging in my head or heart - just never made it to my desk to share the thoughts. I just have to start sitting back down at my computer and finding the words again. I finally joined facebook too, although I'm as active there as here really. :p Things change, but I still have thoughts & ideas and hope to find myself sharing them more often.

/hugs!!!!!

Double Overtime

Last night's Jazz/Raptors game was fantabulous. The Raptors won in double overtime. Was pretty awesome for the 4 of us yelling and screaming our heads off for Toronto in the sea of Jazz fans. So fun! :)

And I'm sorry there hasn't been a Maiah birthday entry yet. (She did have an awesome one!) The lack of blogging isn't for want of things to say, it's more about lack of energy and such. I'll get to where I'm doing better at these things again. Thanks for hanging in there. :)

Hugs!