oh my...

Here comes a jumbled, rambling type entry. I need to write down some thoughts.

So, the anxiety-caused dreams have begun. We're down to a month until he comes and I'm starting to stress out a bit. Who's he? Well, he's Keith. You know, Brandon's other dad. Not that he's ever pretended to be a dad or anything, but you know - biologically - he's there.
Anyhow, for 9 days in August Keith & his wife Libby are coming to visit. Brandon feels weird about it since they're basically strangers. Poor kiddo. Keith is likable enough, and I'm sure Libby is a nice girl. I'm curious - I want to meet her. But 9 days?
Keith & I were young when I had Brandon. I had just barely turned 19, he was barely 18. (We'd met when I was 16 and he was 15.) Keith's family made excuses for him. "He was so young..." Whatever. We both were young. That was not the real issue. I was ready to become a parent, to assume that responsibilty. He was not. He loved Brandon I'm sure, but was selfish and not wanting to grow up. He wasn't responsible enough to stop partying so he could take us to the hospital for Brandon's emergency surgery at 8 months old. (Thank goodness for Toronto cab drivers.) Or to ask how Brandon was doing when he called me for whatever reason. He didn't make the effort when hanging out at his friend's house to walk a few doors down to say hi. Ever. We were right there. He showed no interest. I would take Brandon to the park to meet up with him sometimes, because I wanted Brandon to know him. That was about it for those first five years. Then I moved to Utah and he moved to Scotland, then Australia.
When he moved to Scotland he literally said "Well, I guess you'll hear from me in a few years." He maybe called 5 times in the next 6-7 years. Brandon always took him in stride.
Then came Libby, who changed that. They got married. Keith started calling and sending gifts. He's shown interest finally. (Largely in Libby's handwriting, but still.) And now they're coming. I have no idea what they expect. I mean, we've always been able to get along okay, but do they expect Vern to take vacation time from work to show them around? Do they expect me to trust them to whisk Brandon away without some form of supervision? I'm not sure how we're going to do this. Not a clue as of yet.
A part of me worries that I'll have to defend my own feelings about the situation. Keith seems to think he gave nothing up by dismissing Brandon for so many years. After all of these years he seems to figure we'll just jump at the opportunity for his presence in Brandon's life. With no apprehension. He expects Brandon to accept him as his dad, and me to be permissive and trust him.
The thing is this... Brandon has only ever had one dad. Since Brandon was 5 Vern has cared for him, provided for him, fed him, taken him to the hospital, held his hand when he was really sick. He's been the consistent man in Brandon's life, and Brandon has never had a problem with thinking of him as his dad. He's been there in every way. Ironically, he's a year younger than Keith. Yet he chose his role in Brandon's life with love, thoughtfulness and a sense of responsibility.
In my dream the other night I was defending my take on Keith and his role (or lack thereof) in Brandon's life. I explained to Keith that it takes more than a nice present here and there and the presence of some dna to make a dad. Whatever Brandon feels about him he has earned one way or another. I think mostly he doesn't know how to feel. He's never had much to go on. Ive always made sure Brandon knew Keith loved him - I mean, just because you're selfish & irresponsible doesn't mean you lack feeling, right? I hope. I just didn't want him to feel unloved. By anyone. Even if they played no role in his life, he deserved to feel loved. There was just no action on Keith's part for Brandon to know him by. He's been so... absent. Even lately, when he's tried. I mean, how much does a basketball hoop say to a 14 year old? It's cool and all, but it's just a nice gift. I guess that's why they're coming. To try to establish a relationship. And maybe establish some sort of role in Brandon's life. I can understand that I guess. Thus far, the only time Keith ever played an important role was the day Brandon was conceived. Honestly, I wish it had been Vern there that day. Our lives would be simpler. Beside's he's better at that too.
Did I actually type that?
Oh my.