yeah...

It was a bad mail. :(

The fed ex package ended up being a rejection of my passport application. (I'm not completely shocked it was rejected, since only one fee went through, but still.) They kept my long form birth certificate that cost a little chunk and was it's own ordeal awhile back. (So yeah, I have even less ID then when we started this process. I am beyond bummed  since most of the stumbling blocks have come from my inability to prove that I am who I say I am. Yeah coming out with less proof doesn't feel ok.) I'm not 100% clear on why they rejected the app, so I'm waiting to hear back from the paralegal who prepared everything, but yeah, there you have it. That was a bad little package on my doorstep this morning.

Thank you to those who showed compassion, those who have come up with ways to try to be helpful (Laurie!) and to Maiah & Elijah whose cuddles are an awesome form of comfort. :) I am grateful that people care & want to help and all, but I have to say that for once I would just love to feel like I have some control over my own life. The paralegal prepared & sent this stuff  so I'm not even sure what all ID I lost in the process. And she tends to communicate with Vern & not me for some reason, so I tend to feel out of the loop, or the last to know what's going on. Oh, but the rejection did come directly to me. Hooray I guess. :p Yeah I just wish I had some awesome idea of what I can personally do to take control of my own life that doesn't involve going back to Canada & fighting my way back here on my own.

Who knows, since she got paid by the hour to prepare the application & get it sent off, maybe the paralegal will have a way to fix this. We shall see. And I am completely grateful that this means Brandon's went through. He's one step closer to being a whole person, with freedoms and all. Go B! :)

Well, I have to eat something at some point today & I have the overwhelming urge to punch something or run - I'm thinking I'll run to Taco Time or somewhere & get me some lunch. Oh, and Maiah needs milk. And, and... yeah - off I go. :p


Have a great day!

-----------3 pm----------
ok... so when I showed Brandon the rejection form I understood much better what they were saying. So I went for a walk and bought Maiah's milk & some noodles for tonight's dinner, but am here munching carrot sticks wanting to type through this while my head is clear.

The first point that was marked as a reason for rejection was this...

For some reason they didn't accept my birth certificate. They kept the original, but didn't accept it. Makes no sense since it was the same long form birth certificate, issued by the provincial government that we applied for for both B & I at the same time not long ago. Why would they accept his and not mine?

The second point for rejection was this...

Ok, so they didn't accept the marriage certificate as indicated in box a, they instead want a current ID with Vern's surname ...like a current driver's license. Ummm... ok. My name and signature were on the marriage license. I signed it with my maiden name though - so it doesn't count? So... the game plan was to get a Canadian passport for me so that I can have gov't issued ID with my married name, but in order to recieve such ID  I needed to already have a current id issued in my married name. I am just at a loss. In order to even get a driver's license I need state ID. (That's why B didn't get to finish out getting his permit when he was in HS - he needed state id.) So I need to learn how to drive & find a country that will believe me that I am who I say I am (since both my country of birth & the country I've lived in for the past 14 years claim that they don't have enough info to go on) and get a driver's license in order to proceed with my life in any sort of normal manner? Does anyone know of such a place? Of course, they'll have to take my word for it, since I just lost most of my actual ID in the process of trying to get a passport. :(
Oh man. :(  I just checked, and Vern did give the paralegal my ssn card and everything. I really really hope I didn't just lose that. I mean, I know my Canadian SS number off by heart and all, but why would they not return my card? I hope for some reason she just didn't end up needing to use it & it's safe in my file at the law office in Salt Lake. If she sent it & they kept it, then if I were to have to go back to Canada because we can't adjust my status here I now no longer have a social security card for there. Awesome huh? :(

Oh, and while I'm here, can I just whine one more time that I already got my friggin Canadian passport in order to move here? In June of 1996, in preparation for the move here I got my passport. It's invalid of course at this point, but yeah - I didn't know at the time it was going to take 14 years to actually get Vern to sponsor me. I didn't know what the process was at all at the time actually. I just trusted that Vern knew what he was doing when he came back to Toronto to bring Brandon & I here for us to get married. Stupid, stupid little girl.

I just want to belong somewhere. Preferably the same place as my kiddos. Doesn't seem like an irrational thing to hope for. Would be cool if something would go right in this process, or if this is not meant to work I hope I figure something else out sometime soon. Preferably before I go insane.

--Sorry for the suckish attitude today. It would just be nice to stop getting kicked in the stomach for a mistake I made 14 years ago. I'm trying to rectify it, and it's not like I hid in a box or something & snuck here in the first place. I had good intentions - things just didn't go my way once I got here. I just keep hoping that at some point they will. (I have got to figure out what I can be doing differently. There has got to be something.) Would be so nice to have something work in my favor though. Would be really really nice.

Being constantly reminded that I screwed up in the first place is so not fun either. Especially for unforseeable things. I mean, I grew up in a city with the most amazing public transit. Why in the hell didn't I say "screw common sense" and learn to drive? I don't know who's car I would have practiced in? My mom had no vehicle either, since she doesn't drive - living in Toronto and all. :p Who knew that in order to prove my identity later in life I'd need to learn to drive!? And as far as trusting Vern - he seemed smart and all, and I believed his intentions were good, and I did what I figured was common sense - I made sure I had Mine & B's documents in order... passport & all before hopping in the passenger seat and driving with him to Utah. In hindsight I should have asked more questions, and obviously I should have done something more. I'm still not sure exactly what, but yeah.

I just hope some day I will have earned the right to be past all of this & have a real life. It should all work out somehow, at some point right? I mean, I am breaking no laws and doing nothing wrong, except existing. Without a tax ID. I didn't plan to or mean to but yeah. Hopefully the very institutions that want me to have one will be able to figure out who I am somehow. I'm kind of running out of ideas of how to prove it to them.

Ugh. It is so nap time.
Hugs!