Does she know?

After a rough sort of a night full of sadness and doubt I ended up with a sunny sort of day. To say that I was not looking forward to today would be an understatement. Still pregnant on your due date with an ominous doctor appointment? Yeah, so not fun. But it didn't end up being so bad, and somewhere last night between all of the tears I figured something important out. Something I wanna share. Then I'll tell you all about today's appointment. :)

I started out last night all mad that my prayers and wishes for the last few weeks have been seemingly disregarded. There are good reasons why I want Maiah safely here before my kiddos go back to school & even better reasons to sincerely hope for another vbac. A c-section recovery with Elijah still so young and attached & a newborn all day? So not a pretty or easy thought. For so many reasons. Yet here I am still pregnant. I know I'm ready to meet her, and my family is all ready too. My body's been doing it's thing, being at the "any time now" point for forever and yet she's still in there. So I got to thinking about Maiah. Is she ready? Well, she's at full term - there should be no developmental issues - at this point it's just weight gain & waiting on her part too. She's got to be getting all squishy in there. I don't know how to explain it, but she seems like long baby.

Anyhow, while going back and forth between Maiah and myself, thinking that I really am ready for the pain of labor and the exhausting schedule of a newborn while hoping that she's ready for life out here something dawned on me about babies. She's been all warm and cozy for 9 months. She's never felt hunger - food just happens to make it to her through the umbilical cord on a steady basis. She's never felt cold, pain or fear. She's had some hiccups, and may have as hard of a time finding a comfortable sleeping position as me at this point but that's it. No wonder babies cry. Can you imagine being all cozy and warm in there, then going through the shock & pain of being squished through an opening smaller than you are into a bright, not always warm world where you suddenly have to rely on other people to understand and take care of your basic comforts? Feeling hunger for the first time, and cold - maybe hearing loud unpleasant noises and feeling the pain of your first little blood draw. I really did some thinking about this and realized that the old saying that you can't spoil a newborn is true. The comfort of being held close and hearing her mothers heartbeat - of that warmth from being cuddled and the familiar voices of her family, feeding her whenever she stirs - even if it's 5 times a night. How on earth can you give too much of these things to a newborn?

I hope she knows. I hope my little Maiah knows that I'm ready and fully prepared to do my best to make sure that she's greeted with smiles, love and every comfort I'm capable of giving. I hope she knows it's okay to leave what she's used to behind whenever she's brave and ready.

My biggest fear is having to have a ceserean section which would make it hard on me to be everything for her & her big brother all day by ourselves. Healing from that would make it difficult to care for Elijah, and he would lose a lot of his comforts on top of having to share my lovin' with a new baby. It just seems like it would be so hard on him. So that's why I've been sad, scared & freaking out with my due date approaching. Well here I am due date and all. I've been here before - it's so not fun, but yeah. My doctor made my day. I love him to pieces. He looked at me this morning and said "I know how much this means to you, so we won't even talk about scheduling a c-section until next week." Things are progressing nicely, and while he's not allowed to let me hit 2 weeks over, there's a really good chance I won't. Especially if I'm not all stressed out. Is he awesome or what? I walked in there so upset that my initial blood pressure reading was high. He re-took it afterwards and it had come down nicely. He just smiled & reassured me again. Oh, and stripped my membranes something good. :p So yeah. Still here, still pregnant but in a much better frame of mind today. :)
Oh, for those who follow the numbers thing... 3 cm, 80% effaced & -1. Good progress. Yay! :)

Sorry for another wordy post with no pics. Maybe I can at least get some pics and rectify that. :p Okay, so it was quick & the puffiness shows. Not so fantabulous. Gogo looking how you feel I guess. :p
Thanks Kirsten!