one last happy

Up front apologies for the superlong entry. Blurting things out just so isn't me. No pictures this time either. My poor blog. lol

Last weekend I started telling Vern that he was so in trouble and by Sunday I was pretty sure he really was – so much so that I eventually stopped smiling and teasing. I broke down and cried and told him a brand new secret. He initially thought I was mad at him. I’m really not, and he knows that now. I was just dealing with a little bit of shock & a whole lot of emotion and he received the initial reaction full-on. Earlier this week I wrote a little something while I was still working things out. Sharing what I wrote is probably the easiest way to explain what was up. Here goes…

I’ve always known that five was the number that felt right. I’ve fought it some these last few years, wanting to reclaim myself after the first four. I’ve even come up with some awesome excuses. Many factors make me so very high risk – really, it’s not an easy thing to ask of me. I’ve waffled back & forth so much but have never been able to completely close the door on the idea of #5. After all, five feels right whether I embrace all that comes with it or not.

This timing is NOT of my choice. I was so not prepared to give up my bathing suit for a barf bowl this summer. There were things I wanted done that will have to be put off – goals that will have to be shelved for a moment. As a person I was facing in a completely different direction.
Maybe that’s why it happened now.
I’ve never cried upon figuring out this sort of news before. I did this time. I reacted as if I had lost some sort of battle. I’m so not prepared to discuss my personal battles here, but will say that I’m able to fully embrace the outcome of this one. It’s not a loss – just a shift in thinking.
Seventeen years of mommyhood & I had started thinking about my own life a bunch. I was trying to shift focus and concentrate on some things that were important to me.
Prematurely, it seems.
I love my kiddos, I really do. Being a mom is the most amazing gift there is. I’m excited that my fifth and final baby is on his or her way as I’m reminded once again that even in my own little world things don’t revolve around me. I’m grateful that deep down I know what’s important. I hope to be physically & emotionally strong through one more pregnancy. I hope I can find ways to work towards my personal goals while focusing on bringing this baby into our family in the healthiest, safest way possible. For both of us.

I’m not all that excited at the prospect of being sick. I may have days where the ideas and things that are not yet to be are mourned. Strictly following the diabetic nutritional guidelines for 9 whole months may have me grumpy some days. lol Consider this fair warning. ;) I’d ask those of you who are willing to put up with me over the next 9 months for your support and love. Those closest around me will need it too. lol

…So I wrote that a couple of days ago. Surprise?! :) Yeah it was one. I’m feeling better about things at this point. The mommy in me that completely adores my babes & embraces the fact that they are my happy has slowly taken over. I did cry this morning when the smell of diet pepsi made me gag. :p This morning was also when I took a pregnancy test, smiled when I saw the 2 lines & yelled “I knew it!" Ha, I did. Even though I’ve been dealing with this horrid sinus stuff all week – sleeping days away, feeling so rough and fighting fevers, there was this underlying aversion to food combined with the need to eat every few hours (hungry or not) to keep the nausea at bay. Yeah – there’s no mistaking my morning sickness, even when I’m curled up in a ball in my blankie fighting a fever of 102 and wishing my head would explode already. Yeah it’s been quite a week. But being alone and out of it gave me lots of thinking time. Absorption time. Yes, I’m really feeling like this. Yes I’m pretty damn sure what this is. Yeah, I think it’ll be okay. :) Maybe we’ll even get the little girl that I was so sure Elijah was. Or maybe not. Four boys and one girl wouldn’t be so bad. Yeah. One more babe. Number 5.
One last happy. :)