If it sticks, write about it.

Have you ever had a thought come to you, and hit you right in the heart so clearly that you couldn't let it go? That happened to me today. It prompted a train of thought that has followed me all day, so here I sit writing about it long past my bedtime.

This is the face that I was looking at today when I had the thought "I don't deserve you." And I meant it, but not in a negative way. It's just an understanding I have come to that there's an awesome privilege granted when a woman becomes a mother.
Elijah was cooing, smiling and gazing up at me when I said those words to him. It hit me solid, and I said it out loud. "I don't deserve you." This beautiful little human being was entrusted to me. Isn't that the most amazing gift? I think so. But as I enjoyed his innocent perfection I also had the feeling that I needed to be a better person in order to do right by him. Not that I'm a bad person, but I've been tired, full of excuses and well, just not 100% there, you know? Feeling like I'm not giving everything that needs it the attention & effort it deserves. Okay, so I know I'm not. I can do better. In many facets of my life. I may sometimes be able to be tired, overwhelmed or even just plain lazy on my own behalf in some areas, but my family deserves better from me. I would be happier too. And they benefit from that, believe me.
So I'm going to admit to you that I don't deserve him. BUT I am also going to admit to being so thankful for the opportunity I have to change that. And for those moments I have with my children where I see the purity and sweetness that we all were born with that sometimes we forget is inherent in everyone. I'm realizing it's time to wake up from whatever sort of funk I've been in and be the mother, the wife, the person that those around me deserve. And they deserve the best.